I only wish pigeons start pooping on the window sill instead of the Air Conditioner. My only new year hope. So it’s that time of the year again, when people make bourgeois list about bourgeois things that happened or wish hadn’t happened or those who got searched the most on internet. Interestingly, Bieber is the common denominator in almost all. I despise most of it. It is befitting then to alleviate and raise the decibel of my self-hatred through a list of my own. An endeavor at picking a few out of the ordinary / bizarre stories I heard over the years and bring them to the kind attention of my 3 readers – I, me and myself. (Bite me Salman Khan). Here are my handpicked 8 stories. Someone raised a question though. Why 8? 10 is a decent number. The professor can tell best.
Story 1
Enter Computer Lab, Basement. Final practical, MATLAB. One glance at the question problem asked, you know it. That you don’t know it. Could you care any less? Perhaps not. But you never cared much about a middle market college degree anyway. Funny thing, you didn’t set it, but even the screensaver says so. “I-Pee-University”.
Bizarre? Almost. Funny? Heck yeah!
Story 2
Year 2010. Enter a pretty young sassy thing seeking directions in Commonwealth Games Village. Can you resist? Duh no! Small talk and a minor erection ensue. She thanks you, exchanges number. Somethings off, she’s laughing. A LOT. I know I am not THAT funny. What is it then.
Zipper? Check.
Bat poop Deo ? Nope.
Grey hair? Hell yeah. Maybe she saw my bad side, left.
Cut to Lunch. She’s new, wants someone to keep her company during lunch. Small talk is rather random. VERY random. You leave her back at her workstation, pinky swearing to meet at the end of the day. She asks you to stay. Asks, um, Have you heard Kash koi mil jaye?
Neh.
You should.
4 Minutes later. Rounds of laughter. Ridiculing the poor guy. For all I know, I could have just as easily been the composer. Anywho, something’s off again. She’s laughing SO much.
Um. Are you okay?
She nods
Why are you laughing so much?
(She laughs again. 2 minutes later)
.
.
Nipun, its my that time of the month.
(Inside my head) WHAT? Menstruation and excessive laughter?
Nipun, its my that time of the month. (Head rewinds to conform the diagnosis.)
Bizarre? Check. And Check!
Story 3
Eccentric. Arrogant. Genius. Sometimes Vile. This species is really very fascinating.
Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Damon. Just a few needles in the haystack.
A Harvard dropout.
Not many have met or known any offspring of the aforementioned species. I see the Halley's comet and my life shall be blessed. No, seriously.
Anywho, had the good fortune of meeting a Harvard dropout, now a writer. All at the tender age of 21. Tender, Yes!
The guy X has signed a book deal with company Y. X&Y, you shall hear in due course of time. Coincidentally, also my favorite Coldplay Album!
Bizarre? Neh
Intriguing to find out if he turns out to be another genius? YES!
Story 4
How one is reminded not to believe what they see.
For if my mom were to see my Google search History, she'd find "Metallica cancelled" and "Psychosis/ Depression" (Thanks to House M.D.) in the most searched column.
Story 5
I wouldn’t know if it’s blind, mute, deaf, or if it suffers from Brain aneurysm. I do know, it is quite fascinating. Love.
Heard my sister’s college besties are now marrying each other. Maybe not bizarre. But since I find myself at the cusp of my college life, heart warming it is to have seen them in their first year and to see them happy and engaged now. I find it difficult though to comprehend how they made it work for nearly five years. What is more surprising is they lived away from each other for sometime.
As a friend would put it:
As it was, then again it will be and though the course may change sometimes, Rivers always reach the Sea.
Witnessed a cliché of college friends marrying each other? Check.
Story 6
"He is dying. There is nothing we can do." says the doctor.
Anaphylactic seizure.
“I love you” she says, holding onto his arm.
“Shh. Don’t say.” He says.
“Words are the single greatest source of misunderstandings”*
Story 7
I think it was a MUN I was attending, or some fancy conference. I ran into this professor. Fat, Burly, grey hair, not many hair, thick lenses. The usual. It is however amusing to see grown ups consumed by a single idea. The professor, through his 8-10 years of research had concluded that the only thing that has been common to mankind is the will to organize, thus in order to be different or to be remembered, challenge the organization. He illustrated further how we were building this organization, ala Matrix. Humans made the calendar so they could keep track of all important dates. They remembered their birthdays, death days and important events. Then, they also kept their Names, so as to be trained to know which name to respond to. Would the early man have bothered to do so? We started wearing watches, started making Maps, putting everything we knew into books and stored them in a Library.
It is then most unusual that people we adore are non conformists. Rock bands, ever since the Beatles in 60s to U2 now, seem to be everyone’s favorite. The agents of chaos are most revered.
I don’t know if he’s right or wrong. What I do know is: Grown ups are odd. Very odd.
Story 8
Ahemdabad 2009 I think, local flea market. I see a woman in distress, she’s well dressed. Maybe in her 30s. She has a kid, who is not at all flustered. Grown up’s always have something to worry about. If you told the kid he has lymph sarcoma of the intestine, he’d still be playing and cheerful. Grownups are strange. Very strange. That’s not the point though. She is worried how she’ll go back home. So she asks this another woman, a complete stranger, for her cell phone. The other woman is tanned. Judging by the cross around her neck, she’s Christian. Now when was the last time I saw Christian in Ahemdabad, cant recall. The tan says something. Goa I’m guessing. She has a backpack which still has an airplane tag. Maybe a transit flight, but why would she come to a flea market. Maybe just for kicks. So anyway, she takes her time examining the borrower, like a bank scrutinizes your cash flow. She is convinced in two seconds and out comes her high end BB. Hmm. I wonder if she had given it to her if she was wearing something bought from the very flea market she was standing in. Intriguing nonetheless, that a tourist is willing to lend her highend phone. Perhaps all is not lost. If the doomsday prophesy does come true next year, maybe she’ll lend a few bucks to get an unknown a ticket on the Noah’s ark. Humanity may prevail.
* Source: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry